“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
– Mel Robbins
What even is forgiveness? A word I genuinely don't understand. (I mean the actual definition). So I looked it up.:
"To stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offence, flaw, or mistake."
That’s a purely internal process, a feeling, a letting go.
So why is it treated like something you give to another person? Like some moral handshake to prove you’re the bigger person?
Let’s be real: you can release feelings of anger without uttering the word “forgive.” Sometimes, what replaces anger isn't peace - it's contempt. (Yes, I said it. Had to laugh from up here on my soapbox. 🤣)
And even if you find yourself stuck in contempt, that energy - that heat can be redirected. Not outward, but inward. Shift the care and emotional investment you once had for that person or situation back into yourself. Use it to rebuild so you can glow brighter.
Because the further you travel from the thing that burned you, the more healing you do.
And honestly, what the hell has forgiveness got to do with that?
Depending on your path in life, you’ll witness or experience deep hurt: betrayal, cruelty, abandonment, even systemic injustice. You’ll know the kind of sadness that doesn’t just sting - it reshapes you forever. And yet somehow, we’re expected to offer forgiveness as a universal solution for healing? No thanks.
Let’s look more closely.
Would I ever say “I forgive you” to someone who:
Killed someone I love?
Stole from an elderly woman, causing such distress it triggered a fatal heart attack - while her husband battled cancer?
Committed negligence that left lifelong suffering and a stolen future?
Betrayed me deeply, causing emotional damage while blaming their own inner struggle?
Defrauded me, impacting me financially and emotionally? All those lost years.
Failed me through a legal system that offers no real protection or justice?
Could I? Would I? Be honest — would you?
NO.
I can heal. I can let go of resentment — when and if I’m ready.
But I don’t owe those people the gift of forgiveness.
I don’t owe them words that make them feel lighter about what they did, especially if they’ve never shown remorse, taken responsibility, or tried to make anything right.
Let them carry the weight of their choices. That’s the consequence.
I’ll carry my dignity. That’s what survival looks like.
Otherwise, they took even more - the thing I value most: my self-respect, my values, my beliefs.
This is something I still can’t grasp and I think it’s why forgiveness feels so divisive. Because people can’t even agree on what forgiveness is.
So reflecting back to the dictionary AGAIN! 🙄
- Is forgiveness a softening? A return to emotional neutrality?
- A peace offering? A sentence you say to clear the air?
- A signal that you're over it? Some kind of moral superiority?
- Or is it just… letting go?
And if it is letting go — why does it feel like a performance?
I can live without ever saying “I forgive you.”
I can release pain and move forward.
And, I can leave you behind - permanently, and with peace.
I don’t forgive you.
You are a deplorable person.
And I’m perfectly content being far, far, far away from you.
Just space, distance, and peace entirely on my terms.
So I’m back where I started:
What the hell has forgiveness got to do with anything?
What are we forgiving sorry ? 🫣
